It's been awhile. And I really don't feel like updating. I ranted a lot somewhere else, so this is merely just a status update.
My last post is lulzy, considering the situation now. Crazy how things change.
College is great, taking 12 credit hours this semester. I want to keep stress down, and grades up. I'm super excited.
Girls are crazy, etc.
That's it. Lazy. Down day today, but I already know why. It'll be better tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Ponderings.
I recently discovered I have a new "best friend" tonight. And it wasn't really sudden, but more of a gradual realization. Something that hit me rather hard and really deep. After spending the latter half of spring break with this guy, we had some serious conversations on our way home tonight, and its scary how similar we are. They were good conversations. Much needed.
So, here's my rant for tonight. I'm constantly mentioning to myself of how I feel out of place. How I should have been born in a different time period, or in a different world, or in just some place completely different. I feel like sometimes.. that I just don't belong. And I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point.. but it just really hits me sometimes. Hard.
Anyway, I was simply thinking about this tonight, pondering why I never really feel "right".... and I think I came up with an answer.
If I am being the person I am supposed to be, a Christian, then this is exactly how I should feel. Always. I should always feel like I don't belong to this world. That this is not my true home. No longer should I be truly worried about what happens here, but what will happen in the next.
Now, as comforting of a thought that this may be... It doesn't help me much. Why? Because I'm seriously struggling with being a Christian. More than I ever have in my entire life. Times a million. I'm meeting new people, doing new things, and completely reevaluating my life. I don't know what to think, how to think, or even why I'm thinking.
Every single ounce of my being, is being questioned. Every strand of Christianity, picked up, torn apart, and thrown on the ground. And its painful. I don't know what to do, how to react, or who to go to. Admitting to my friends that I'm failing, is an extremely difficult thing to do... and even if I did, its much doubted that they would be able to relate. Most of my closest friends aren't even Christian. Maybe this is an issue? I think so.
Furthermore, I can't seem to pick up my bible. No matter how much I want to, and know that I should, I just... I can't do it. Every time I try to crack it open, it just seems completely dead. I can't find scripture that applies to me.. but yet... I know all of it does. I just, I can't spur myself into action. I'm stuck in a downward spiral because of my lack of faith. I cannot bring myself to step out in faith, when I don't even know where my feet are.
Where do I go from here? Prayer seems old, and useless. My heart is growing hard... but yet, I feel it cracking every day. I want it to be completely alive again! I want to be able to hear a Christian song, and be completely lost in its glory. And part of me, as I type this, is screaming "LAME!". "That doesn't happen in real life. Grow up man, you're nothing but a failure. You're too far gone. Just keep going down this path, and you'll grow to love it."
This is not who I am. And I know this... but I cannot break the cycle. I don't know where to start, how to start, or even why to start.
So now what? I'm clueless. I mean, obviously, I cannot be THAT far gone, because the war inside my head becomes more and more fierce every day. I feel myself slipping, and breaking, and I don't like it. Merp.
I'm going to end this muse with the back of a Christian T-Shirt I got forever ago. It goes something like this:
"I am an Alien. I am not of this world, nor do I call it 'home'. My desires are not for earthly things that will fade, corrode, or burn. I set my heart and mind on things above. My faith and hope are in God alone and I eagerly await his return for me. I am a citizen of heaven."
1 Peter 2:11
1 John 2:15-17
Col 3:1-3
1 Thess 4:17
Php. 3:20
Tschuss
So, here's my rant for tonight. I'm constantly mentioning to myself of how I feel out of place. How I should have been born in a different time period, or in a different world, or in just some place completely different. I feel like sometimes.. that I just don't belong. And I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point.. but it just really hits me sometimes. Hard.
Anyway, I was simply thinking about this tonight, pondering why I never really feel "right".... and I think I came up with an answer.
If I am being the person I am supposed to be, a Christian, then this is exactly how I should feel. Always. I should always feel like I don't belong to this world. That this is not my true home. No longer should I be truly worried about what happens here, but what will happen in the next.
Now, as comforting of a thought that this may be... It doesn't help me much. Why? Because I'm seriously struggling with being a Christian. More than I ever have in my entire life. Times a million. I'm meeting new people, doing new things, and completely reevaluating my life. I don't know what to think, how to think, or even why I'm thinking.
Every single ounce of my being, is being questioned. Every strand of Christianity, picked up, torn apart, and thrown on the ground. And its painful. I don't know what to do, how to react, or who to go to. Admitting to my friends that I'm failing, is an extremely difficult thing to do... and even if I did, its much doubted that they would be able to relate. Most of my closest friends aren't even Christian. Maybe this is an issue? I think so.
Furthermore, I can't seem to pick up my bible. No matter how much I want to, and know that I should, I just... I can't do it. Every time I try to crack it open, it just seems completely dead. I can't find scripture that applies to me.. but yet... I know all of it does. I just, I can't spur myself into action. I'm stuck in a downward spiral because of my lack of faith. I cannot bring myself to step out in faith, when I don't even know where my feet are.
Where do I go from here? Prayer seems old, and useless. My heart is growing hard... but yet, I feel it cracking every day. I want it to be completely alive again! I want to be able to hear a Christian song, and be completely lost in its glory. And part of me, as I type this, is screaming "LAME!". "That doesn't happen in real life. Grow up man, you're nothing but a failure. You're too far gone. Just keep going down this path, and you'll grow to love it."
This is not who I am. And I know this... but I cannot break the cycle. I don't know where to start, how to start, or even why to start.
So now what? I'm clueless. I mean, obviously, I cannot be THAT far gone, because the war inside my head becomes more and more fierce every day. I feel myself slipping, and breaking, and I don't like it. Merp.
I'm going to end this muse with the back of a Christian T-Shirt I got forever ago. It goes something like this:
"I am an Alien. I am not of this world, nor do I call it 'home'. My desires are not for earthly things that will fade, corrode, or burn. I set my heart and mind on things above. My faith and hope are in God alone and I eagerly await his return for me. I am a citizen of heaven."
1 Peter 2:11
1 John 2:15-17
Col 3:1-3
1 Thess 4:17
Php. 3:20
Tschuss
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