Welp

It's been awhile. And I really don't feel like updating. I ranted a lot somewhere else, so this is merely just a status update.

My last post is lulzy, considering the situation now. Crazy how things change.

College is great, taking 12 credit hours this semester. I want to keep stress down, and grades up. I'm super excited.

Girls are crazy, etc.

That's it. Lazy. Down day today, but I already know why. It'll be better tomorrow.

Ponderings.

I recently discovered I have a new "best friend" tonight. And it wasn't really sudden, but more of a gradual realization. Something that hit me rather hard and really deep. After spending the latter half of spring break with this guy, we had some serious conversations on our way home tonight, and its scary how similar we are. They were good conversations. Much needed.

So, here's my rant for tonight. I'm constantly mentioning to myself of how I feel out of place. How I should have been born in a different time period, or in a different world, or in just some place completely different. I feel like sometimes.. that I just don't belong. And I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point.. but it just really hits me sometimes. Hard.

Anyway, I was simply thinking about this tonight, pondering why I never really feel "right".... and I think I came up with an answer.

If I am being the person I am supposed to be, a Christian, then this is exactly how I should feel. Always. I should always feel like I don't belong to this world. That this is not my true home. No longer should I be truly worried about what happens here, but what will happen in the next.

Now, as comforting of a thought that this may be... It doesn't help me much. Why? Because I'm seriously struggling with being a Christian. More than I ever have in my entire life. Times a million. I'm meeting new people, doing new things, and completely reevaluating my life. I don't know what to think, how to think, or even why I'm thinking.

Every single ounce of my being, is being questioned. Every strand of Christianity, picked up, torn apart, and thrown on the ground. And its painful. I don't know what to do, how to react, or who to go to. Admitting to my friends that I'm failing, is an extremely difficult thing to do... and even if I did, its much doubted that they would be able to relate. Most of my closest friends aren't even Christian. Maybe this is an issue? I think so.

Furthermore, I can't seem to pick up my bible. No matter how much I want to, and know that I should, I just... I can't do it. Every time I try to crack it open, it just seems completely dead. I can't find scripture that applies to me.. but yet... I know all of it does. I just, I can't spur myself into action. I'm stuck in a downward spiral because of my lack of faith. I cannot bring myself to step out in faith, when I don't even know where my feet are.

Where do I go from here? Prayer seems old, and useless. My heart is growing hard... but yet, I feel it cracking every day. I want it to be completely alive again! I want to be able to hear a Christian song, and be completely lost in its glory. And part of me, as I type this, is screaming "LAME!". "That doesn't happen in real life. Grow up man, you're nothing but a failure. You're too far gone. Just keep going down this path, and you'll grow to love it."

This is not who I am. And I know this... but I cannot break the cycle. I don't know where to start, how to start, or even why to start.

So now what? I'm clueless. I mean, obviously, I cannot be THAT far gone, because the war inside my head becomes more and more fierce every day. I feel myself slipping, and breaking, and I don't like it. Merp.

I'm going to end this muse with the back of a Christian T-Shirt I got forever ago. It goes something like this:

"I am an Alien. I am not of this world, nor do I call it 'home'. My desires are not for earthly things that will fade, corrode, or burn. I set my heart and mind on things above. My faith and hope are in God alone and I eagerly await his return for me. I am a citizen of heaven."

1 Peter 2:11
1 John 2:15-17
Col 3:1-3
1 Thess 4:17
Php. 3:20


Tschuss

10 months later...

I always have an awesome habit of forgetting about this blog until I need to vent to someone. Of course, I don't really have anybody to vent to at this point, so obviously my mind wanders here.

Too much has happened in the past 10 months to even really write about it. "That girl" failed, as they all have. And even ANOTHER girl after that failed. Big surprise. I think I should just give up on girls.. >.>

Uhmm.. I've learned to play guitar, and I'm leading worship (for the 3rd time) this Sunday. That should be awesome. I'm excited.

I kinda started college this summer.. That was cool. lol. Its still school, but just.. more free-form. I'm still lazy, and procrastinate. Although, I'm slightly better than I was in highschool... I think.

Girls are lame. And yet, I still have that horrible longing desire to have one as my own. Gotta love the internal hard-wiring.

One day at a time. I need sleep. Ima regret this in the morning. Blah. But hey! At least I updated. :D

Hah

That girl worked.. =]

'Nuff said.


E.E.S.

Its kinda late...

and I told myself that I would go to sleep two minutes ago... and I'm sure by the time this post is finished, it'll be much farther past time than it should be.

Hi, its been all of summer, and then a good chunk of school since I've updated.. and.. there's not much to say..

Band is band.. although, this is my last year.. THATS rather odd... Knowing that everything is going to be finished in 2 months (just under, actually) is kinda scary.. wow.. yeah..

Uhh... new girl, kinda.. we'll see how that works.. it prolly won't work.. as things work for me..

Yeah... killin' time... mmhmmm....

MEH.

So...... now what?? Its only 11:06... I figured this would take longer.. and OMG, Daniel just FB chatted me, and I totally hoped it'd be someone else, BUT IT WASN'T... thats.. sad..

Yeah.. I'm listening to the sleepbot FM channel right now, and it has a nice drone on an E, along with some voices that are "smearing" up into it.

Quite serene..

Awesome... She left.. I guess I can sleep now..

Good times.. and goodnight.

<3

Officially a senior tonight. Its June 11th, at 11:09PM, as I write this, and I honestly, no matter how long, or much I wrote, would not even begin to tell you what has happened in these past 6 months.

Argh... So many emotions, so little time! I honestly cannot get it all out, and just, I think thats okay. I will just, keep doing what I'm doing, and things will be good.

~~

Thats how things are, when you graduate. Its never the same, no matter how much you want it to be. Even those BFFs who promised to call each and every weekend, will break up, and soon fall apart. Where there is no similarity, there is no connection. Where there is little to no connection, there is no friendship.

Thats why I have a hard time with people saying "oh, we can make it across the distance!" (relationship wise), because whatever you would have to make things common, such as a class, or a school, or a car, or an apartment... Isn't there. The link that two people would normally have, is gone, and they are forced to fend for themselves. Keeping a fire lit, without any wood, is very tough.

I'm semi-sad tonight, and I don't know why. My seniors are graduating? Or maybe because I soon, will be in that same spot. I will be a graduate of BHS, and soon to be doing what I must do for the rest of my life..

Who knows. God does, and I trust that. That is truly, the only constant thing in my life at this point, God. And its Amazing.

I have an ACT test tomorrow.. So, yeah..

I'll also be posting this same post onto my "public" blog, just, without the private blog info.. which.. isn't much this time.

Man, does time Fly.



With much (sorrow) (regret) (longing) solemnity,

-Martin

*blink*

So, uhh, I don't even know where to start. Seriously. I don't. If I updated everything that was on my mind, we'd be reading pages now, but if I say to little, I won't be able to pick up where I left off the last time.

So, its been just over a month, and High School is making its way to an end, at least, for this year. 9 Days left of school, and Senior Year is fast approaching. Amanda Anderson worked her way into, and then quickly out of my life, in the span of about a month, so, that was fun.

Finally "un-blocked" Margie, that was fun. I blocked her, because she was being a jerk, and I just didn't even want the thought of her in my life for awhile.... It was really nice. Seriously, I enjoyed it.

Uhh, Sarah S also kinda entered near FBLA State, kinda lingered, and then, BOOM, slapped in teh face, and ran away. Apparently she doesn't want to hurt a nice guy like me. Seems she knows exactly the type of guy I am.... *sigh*, LAME.

So, I missed my shift at work on saturday. THAT sucked. I was super pumped for being Floor Guard, and yet, BOOM. Missed the whole shift. Managers laughed at me, and told me not to do it again. I should only have work on friday, this coming. We'll see.

Meh. I'm so bored. I really want a girlfriend. This suckssss. Now what? I feel so.. useless, except, for, God, but, thats awesome.

Personal Relationship with God is growing. Its kinda nice. Ima make a blog post on 1 chapter, 1 day, it'll be fun. Maybe Justin'll get it.