Make a Wish

Very... Very soon to be 11:11.

Wanting to document it for the first time!!



Hah!! Here goes nothing....



Wish Well!

Change

My mind.... has settled for the difference!


Nothings for certain right now, definitely not... but I feel a sense of ease coming into place. It may be a for a hopeless cause, but nonetheless. I feel.... relaxed.


I'm over her.


I'm noting it here, and I'm screaming it for the world to hear.




Ahh.... The winds of change. I feel them. They're moving me along rather quickly now... I think, just maybe, that these next 9 weeks will be quite nice.


Good Morrow.

Good times

Quite a horrible day.... and not just for me.


Funny though. How nobody really knows me.



All the hints I drop, maybe hoping somebody will finally come and find me. Who knows. Maybe somebody will get smart someday. Come and rescue me from this darn maze.


My mind as a maze, that consistantly shifts, and turns, and moves around. I think it fits me quite well.

I call myself consistant.... on my inconsistancy.






Find me.

Tomorrow

Every day, we live for tomorrow. Almost every action we take, every breath we breathe... its for the future, is it not?

Living in the moment... something you hear said, but something I dont think I do very often. Recreational stuff, sure, thats living in the moment.... but how about truely living in the moment? What would that imply? That you honestly dont care about tomorrrow? I couldnt tell you.

I have a feeling I might be changing soon. Maybe for the better, or maybe for the worst. Its getting to the point in my life, where I cant ignore some stuff anymore. Lots of things are coming to a head, and I have a feeling it wont be pretty. For the record, you two reading this, I could be strange. I might be happy, might be sad... but either way. Be consistant. Bear with me. I've got a long, rough road ahead of me.


Day 1 of this week is gone. Did I take anything out of it? Not really. I've gotten my mom worried about me, due to grades. Two of my better friends are both torn, and I'm still left out of everything.

Nope, nothings changed. Still the same ol' kid, still lacking any idea of anything, with the same inconsistant mind. 


Good Times.

Calm Before the Storm

So, here approaches a new week with school, and with it... MORE WORK. WAHHHHHH!HH!H!H!H

Our band program is fixing to undergo some CRAZYNESS. Like, for real, Rehersal, Practice, BAM BAM

SOUTHERN SHOWCASE!!!!!


WAHHHHHH!HH!H!H!H Although, I think we should do okay this yeaR! OMG IM HYPER.


okay., So yeah. LIFE IS GOOD. YET LIFE IS HORRIBLE. WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO TRUST ME?! Argh. Sometimes, I wish I could trust others!! I mean, I can, but then again, I cant! TRUST FREAKING SUCKS.

I love my friends though. Almost every one of them!! THIS IS A RANDOM POST OF RANDOMNESS!!!!!!!!!





*LONG WAIL*

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH




This weeks going to be freaking.

In.

Tents.



LETS GO CAMPING!!!


Naw, but really. Intense week. I see it now....









Now lets see if I really am psychic......

Rawr.

Definition #3 tonight... but just, not as much.


Tonight was good. I saw HSM3 with a few friends, had some decent parts. Cheesy parts too.... meh, I cant complain. It got me out of the house.


As of now, I have 2 readers of this blog, and it makes me uneasy. Updates will be slow to come, and they wont include as much as I might normally vent of. Who knows. Its always a good way to indirectly talk to people.


Only time shall tell.



Good Morrow

Rawr

Step 1. Find other blog

Step 2. Take title, associate it to #3.

Step 3. Recognize how step 2 would work, by using step 1.

Step 4. Attempt to put all this together in order to make a half decent idea.

Step 5. Good luck, and Have fun. 



Fun day. We won against GHS tonight. I should be flipping off the walls.... although, my overall level of joy isnt quite what it should be..... I suppose thats life sometimes.



Meh. Rawr. Mrow. These are the words of my life.... not particularly in that order.




Goodnight.

30 posts later

It all started as I couldnt find the original. I was desperate to vent about something, or just bored, and I couldnt remember the email I made to have this blog... so, in turn, a new blog was born.

Never in a million years did I expect such a blog to make such a freaking impact in my life, such as this one has. Its quite amazing, words than I vent when I dont think, and how they can make life so damn miserable! YEah! I said it! DAMN!!!!!! RAWR.

As I said. Im in a strange mood tonight.... ;)


I curse because I mean it. I'm being dead serious about how much my life has been flipped turned upside down because of this stupid blog... yet, it helps me vent. Bittersweet blog you are...


Anyway. 30 posts of awesome memories, and pain-stakenly (some) written posts. 


Hurrah for aniversary's...


Hurrah Indeed.

The Afterparty

Its rather hard to take back something you say.... So, I wont even try.

Simply put, today was a better day, thank God. Well, atleast, Eytan made it good.


Thank God for friends right? Heh... Yeah.






Friends......



*goes to sleep*

The last piece finally falls into place...

No more complaints. No more doubt.

What does this leave me? Absolutely nothing. Any little bit of a root was dying to grow, has been torn, and all thats left is destruction.

As I sit here, a complete lack of words is settling in. The last peice of the puzzle has been picked up, and its fixing to be put down.


It seems, he has finally learned something for his own.




Another nail into the coffin, another day done.... sometimes I wonder, could tomorrow really bring something that could change my outlook on something this grim? As to why I keep going, I cant altogether tell you.... Except for one thing.

Love.


Love is what holds me together. My friends, my family.... These are the two lights in my life. The few things I can really depend on...

But if I take look at these beacons, do they really hold true? If I were to trust completely in my family, would they hold? I know they would....

Friends, on the other hand. Should I be as so bold to even wonder? I'll hold that question for another day.


As for tonight. I am defeated. All will I have of wanting to see tomorrow is gone, and I have yet to know such defeat as of my entire life...

To truely vent my emotions would be impossible, and to even try would be a task far to great for me. 





Tomorrow is another day. That is all I can really rely on as of now. Everything else before me has fallen apart... 




The last peice finally has, fallen into place.  

Rawr

Honestly, if this blogger name wasnt so freaking amazing, I'd change it in a heartbeat. Having somebody read all my thoughts really sucks. Plus, using the other one just... isnt the same. I dont have enough history on it yet. RAWR!!!

My mood these past... few weeks? Has been a maze of its own. Between attempting to reason Justin into sense, and everything else thats going on in life, this "Maze" has been shifting more than I'd like.

Once things are finally settled down a bit, a giant turtle hops in, and starts stirring it up again. One thing thats been nice though, is finally being over a certain someone. Global Warming, has officially ended, and now the Iceberg is being transfered to different parts of the globes. Woohoo. -.-

Had a band compitition on saturday.... wouldnt really call it a compitition. More of a "Hey there Buchholz, come to this thing, get straight superiors, and get ready for Southern Showcase!"

Fun stuff.


I zoned out on the busride home. Lots of interesting thoughts went through my head. I'll leave it at that.


Not a big update, because of course, I have a reader now.... Heh, I dont see how Justin willingly updates when he KNOWS we're both going to read it. Atleast I had a purpose statement at the begining of this thing.....

Heh.


RAWR

Just a feeling...

My life has turned into a routine.


Day in, day out, all I do is run through the motions.


I dont even understand it. Why go through our one life.... ONE life, if some days just mean nothing? Sure, there's always tomorrow.... but whats the point if your going to have the same attitude as today?


After maybe an hour of talking, I have lost my train of thought due to a great friend of mine named Justin.

Dude. Justin. Your awesome. Although, quite confusing at time. No Margie. I refuse to betray him anymore.


RAWR

LIVE EACH DAY LIKE ITS YOUR LAST... and GET THIS DARN PLANK OUT OF MY EYE.

Fun afternoon

Simply put.


Rawr is sufficient.


......







Hindsight really is 20-20 isnt it?

Sucuide?

If I were to ponder past events, I might say, that an old friend seems to be popping into my head a bit more lately.... but of course, as history has taught us already, it wouldnt happen....... But what if?

What if somehow, I eventually managed to wedge my way into somebodys life? Could it work? Would I be looked down upon? Who knows. Would it work amazingly? Questions to ponder.

Honestly, I think it might work. If she might give me a chance, then just maybe. Of course, she wont, and I'll be left forever to wonder.



On a happier note, we had 2 band sectionals today. Saxophone Sectional, and Wind Symphony sectional. Got some decent experience with Saxophone sectional, and leading somemore. Wind Symphony music is actually rather challenging... but I can handle it. It gives me a class to almost look foward to! lol



Nothing really fun happened today. Got some chocolate for my birthday, from my dearest friend Amy Fox. Good stuff.


I'll be around. Maybe post more regularly. Only time will tell.....

Happier Birthday

So! Today went pretty well. I started up by waking up at about 9:15, after maybe 6-7 hours of sleep. Big band compitition last night. We won, BTW. Beat GHS by a good amount. =]

Birthday party was fun. I'd totally elaborate about all this more, but like, I DID have it typed out, and then blogger messed it up, and I just dont have the will to do it anymore.

Although. Update

I got 2 hugs from Margie today, and for about the first time I can remember, they didnt really cause any trouble up in my head. Amazing stuff. Maybe I can actually get this whole "Like you as a friend only" type thing down. We shall see.


Quick/Lazy update. I'll be around.

Byee!

Happy Birthday

As of this morning, I officially passed the 16th year mark, of my life on this planet.

Day started with presents, shower, school, dinner, game. Within those catagorys, lots happened. As to what? Most of it doesnt matter. Everyday life. Others... still not important.

Honestly, these past 3 weeks, have problably been the most taxing of my entire life. Between trying to sort through emotions in my head, and attempting to quell best friends. Its been a freaking pain. 

So, if you could've guessed, today wasnt necessarily my best day ever. Yet... Time stops for no man. The day is over, and I'm 16.

Justin gave me a link to his blog, and thats quite interesting. Gave me a little bit of insight. His views, are actually quite close to mine. Funny how we share a bunch of the same opinions and views on life.

Argh. Sometimes though, its annoying how paranoid and.... I suppose, Ignorant he is right now.

Your first girlfriend, is something thats crazy. Your life gets flipped upside down, and your introduced to millions upon millions of new things. Add that along to the already insanely crazy life of highschool, and you get a crazy asian kid. Love is something that, in my opinion, is not to be used unless you know for darn well sure you "love" them. Its not something that happens in a few months. Of course, there's always rules to the exception, but as society would have us see it today, Love is something you can find lying on the street, and take it for a spin. If "love" doesnt work out, Divorce it. Its not like its something socially valuable anyways these days.

That is the one thing that makes me... annoyed. When people throw around the word love, and expect it to settle with me. You've seen my quote on love. Love is perfect. There are NO flaws in love. How can you Love someone, and not trust them at the same time? I honestly, cannot understand. Love is something that you cannot describe. I have yet to feel any type of love toward someone aside from "brothers" and parents. First girlfriend, I said it. I said "I love you" to her, because just, I thought I did. Every single day I was away from her, I felt a longing. Obviously, I was young, and stupid. Had NO idea what I was talking about. 

In the past, I questioned my liking for Margie as Love at one point. I pondered it, for quite some time. I even think I pondered about Marriage, heck, why not? Nothing bad comes from thinking right? Anyway, I pondered it for awhile. Came to the conclusion that I didnt, purely because I knew, that Love is something I dont have the patience for. If I were to say that I "Loved" Margie, I'd only be lying to myself. How can I love somebody, if I cant respect their own decisions? What type of a hypocrit would I be, if I said I loved somebody, yet I couldnt follow through with my own freaking opinion?

Words cannot describe love, and generations have failed trying to explain it. Why even attempt to limit the description of love with words? Its not worth it. It never will be. Love is something given by God, and God cannot be explained. Love is our most valuable gift in this world, so why try to hinder it? Justin certainly does have some strong feelings for this girl, but at a first relationship, that only intensifies things. I honestly can say, that I felt just as strongly as he does, but she chose him. I have to somehow attempt to respect that, and move on with life. Freaking. Argh.

Respecting somebodys decision, in reality, is problably one of the hardest things you could ever try to do. The simple word "No" is something we hear quite often in our society today, but its never taken seriously. If your told no, then all you try to do is get around it. You figure, "He obviously wasnt in his right mind. He could'nt have meant no!! Lets try another way." Why not just respect the decision? Nobody likes being rejected, or being told they cant do something. It makes us feel inferior. Yet, it also puts us in our place. Sometimes, we have to learn that everybody is equal, and their No means just as much as ours does. Respect that. Live with it. Get on with life.

Simply put, tonight is my rant night. Today wasnt the best, and I dont drive on my own for two months.



*sings*

Happy Birthday.... to....me.....

Baby Steps..

So, I think today was a pretty significant day. I believe, I finally have it in my head, that Margie and I wont ever work out. Quite possibly the saddest realiziation that I've ever come to, but thats life.

Even if her and Justin DID break up, just.... it wouldnt be right. I dont think I could ever really go behind his back, so to speak, and attempt something with a girl that he "loves". I might ask her to prom this year, if they happen to break up before then, but if not. Looks like I'll never know what could've been.

That rather makes me sad.... very...very sad. I mean, just, argh. I dont even know. Honestly, words cannot describe the sorrow I feel about this whole situation. Its gotten to me for about what, three weeks now? Hopefully something will happen, and just... I dont know. Simply put, I have to get over her. It'll never work.

I turn 16 tomorrow. I should be extremely excited and whatnot... but I'm really not. This whole situation has gotten me extremely apathetic, so I just.... dont care. Woohoo, I'm 16. I drive on christmas eve. Thats rather far away.


Woot for officially private blogs, and the begining... of the end, of Margie.

So here it is.

'Tis wenesday, and like I said, today is the day I change a few things.... but not before I get a few things off my chest.

Of course, this is mainly directed to you Margie, and possibly Justin, if you've had the knowledge to read up, and maybe try to follow along. I'll assume you havent though. So, I'll make it good. =P

First thing I'm dying to get off....... *ponders*. Hmm, well, I suppose if I thought about it enough, I'd still have to say that I like Margie (You). Tough thing for me to openly say, and give away every little bit of leverage that I do have, but oh well.  So yeah, that right there rather... is tough for me. Seeing you prefer my best friend, Justin, over me everyday. Always being around him, instead of say me. Although, there's nothing to do except live with it.

Living with something, is a saying that I've heard thrown around before... or maybe I've thrown it around. If I did, I certainly didnt have any right to. I've never had to live "through" something before untill about this whole situation. To live through it, means your consistantly having to work. Its amazing how freaking hard it is, to sit there, and watch things happen... and have absolutely no controll over any of it. Yeah.... try it someday. Find something a movie that you absolutely hate, and watch it. Maybe... two or three times. With a 15-20 minute break in there. Then you might get an idea of what it feels like to truely be miserable.

You come to realize, those 15-20 minute breaks are some of the most enjoyable times of your life. You start counting down the minutes till the movies over, just for those 15 minutes. Sometimes even less! Its rediculus.... For example, in my life, I get to sit and wait as to when maybe.. just maybe Margie might chose me before she chooses something over something. Sounds really lame, yeah, it problably is, but in my state of mind, it actually gives me that 15 minute stretch break. Its more amazing than you might ever realize.

Random: Margie. As I've said before... you confuse me.

Back on topic.... Lets go into the topic of... hypocritism??  If somebody says "I hate mexican food" and then the next day, you see them sitting in Taco bell eating a big burrito, does that make them a hypocrit? In my mind, it does. If you continually say, "I dont hate you", but yet, never talk them. What could be said about you? Does it just slip your mind? I dont know. It just makes life a bunch harder over here. If you do plan on telling me something... this goes for anyone or anything, please, do me the favor and tell me the truth. I'm not stupid, and I'll understand it, but then again, dont beat me with it. I'll understand with a simple statement. No more shooting people down. ;)

What next.... Meh, not really much more to say. I just need to get over that girl though. Obviously nothings going to happen between us for atleast two months. Let alone possibly even go out in the future. I'm looking at atleast three months.... Goodness. Do I really want to keep going through this for three or more months??? Heck, I'll do my best to stop.... But some things you just cant controll. It'll go away, I'm sure.... but as to when, your guess is just as good as mine.



Justin... If you do ever end up reading this, lets see, I dont really need to defend myself. Margie likes you, a lot. Simply put. Your extremely lucky in all that aspects, and you should just enjoy it. 


Hmm. Struggles. Definitely gonna make one of those happen some time. =P


Not much more to say. Hopefully you might enjoy this a bit. lol, ttyl. 




P.S, I still want more specifics to if you care or not.

=]








Thanks for reading!! And as of now.... its quiet.

I Just Dont Know

Sometimes I really cant even describe how... amazed I am with some things. I mean, just.......

I really. Dont know. Words cant really describe the feelings right now, so simply put.

Rawr.

Not the good rawr. But the Rawr, Im really at a loss for words... Rawr.


So yeah. Wow.

*sigh*

The Countdown Begins

As of today, there is 3/4 (3 if you consider today being over...) days left untill my 16th birthday. Pretty crazy if you ask me.... 16 years of my life has already gone by, and theres absolutely nothing I can do to take them back.... Could almost make a person ponder, with some of the things that could've, or should've happened..... but then you could also celebrate. A whole new realm of oppertuniy has opened. Driving.

Yep, being 16 wont be any different than being 15, just with more responsability. Woohoo. I'll be able to drive by myself Christmas Eve. Ashame I waited so long to get my license. I knew I'd regret it about a year ago.... and, well, what can I say? I regret it.

Also, there's only 2 days left of this blog being open. Hurrah for thoughts fixing to come out. I'm quite..... excited, yet dissapointed. Having somebody read these thoughts is almost nice. Yet, then again, if I said anything worth reading, my whole life would just fall apart. Well, maybe not entirely. haha, good times.


Anyway. Its monday..... and we have after school band tomorrow. That should prove to be fun... untill then... Happy Monday, and I'll be around.


Thanks?


*Hits the ground with a loud thump*

Fun fun

I find it truly amazing of how one hug... just a brief embrace for maybe 2-3 seconds, can completely change your mood, your concious, and just make your life so.... Bittersweet all at once.

Meh, thats right. One hug, does all that. Let alone, that only took place of what, 3 seconds? Argh, darn girls..... xD

Anyway, tonight was the night of Genevieves birthday celebrations. I made a rather sad card, and felt half bad about it. Maybe next time I'll put some real thought, plus, 18th is always the best... lol

So, I totally cant focus. Still in la-la land from that darn hug. Somebody shoot me?


=]

Half Way

Just think, in about 4 more days, this blog will be sunk!! Nobody will ever (That I know of) will read it again.... Ahh, I cant wait!! All my privacy back!! *sigh* This is gonna be awesome.

AWESOME night last night, over at Nic's house. Jesse, Dillon, Ben, Nic, and Me were there. Omg, I havent had that much fun in quite some time. Once we watched Iron Man (Fond memories...) we all went into Nic's room and proceeded to play video games and just have a great time. About half way through, we got Margie to call, and she was passed around the room. Fun stuff. 

A little later, I had agreed to talk to Savanna that night, so we had her call on a different phone. Talked to her for quite awhile. Fun stuff.

At one point, me and Jesse went outside, and we kinda split up some of the time. It was MEGA DARK out there too! Jesse scared me really badly... It was... scary!!


Yeah, so we had a great time. We really need to do that again, although, sadly, I dont think it'll happen for quite some time. These next few weeks are going to be insanely busy. Between compititions, birthdays, games, and life... its going to be intents. ;)


Here's where I take my leave.  Rawr.

*sigh*

So. This week wasnt bad, could've been better.... by far.

Although, I certainly do love how ironic my life can be sometimes. I mean... idk if Irony is the right word for it. Maybe horribly painful. Who knows. 

There was a point in time today, where I literally just felt like going somewhere private, and just sitting there for like, forever. It really kinda sucked, no lie. Oh well though, life goes on, and there's certainly nothing I can do about situations like that.

Maybe I'll get another chance in the future. Who knows. Nobody knows what tomorrow holds, so why dwell completely on today? Sure, your supposed to live in the moment, I believe in the completely, but what if the moment holds absolutely nothing good for you? Thats when you dwell. It seems I've been doing that more and more often these days....

This is where a few good friends should step in and help, but of course, I dont ever act like somethings wrong. Everythings always great in my life!! Haha, if only if only.... Yeah, Jesse failed at accountability for reals. I need to reel him back into my life.

But! Good news... Haha, well, more like good people. Justins quite the friend. He usually is there all the time, and we seem to get along pretty well... rofl. Best friend I have these days. Anyway

Blah. Blah... blah blah blah!!!!! Seriously, thats how I feel about my life right now. Purely blah. I mean, there's nothing horrible just like making me want to cry, but there certainly is lack of happyness.... To the extreme. Schools so... paranormal these days. The clock just flies, and It feels like I have my life on cruise control. Actually, I take that back. My life is on cruise control right now.... Brian, my youth minister says thats the worst thing I could ever do to my life... and I suppose I can see how.

For the time being, Cruise Controll is how it needs to be. I'm too "drunk" to get behind any type of wheel right now, let alone attempt to drive on the interstate.... Heh. Poison for the lose.




Random Update right ther. Take it for what you want.
    Quick quote before I go though.


“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things
that last forever: faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of them all is love.”




Might've quoted it before... but it still remains the same quote. Same value.

I'll be around.

Good news!

Turns out Genevieve still thinks of me as a friend. Woohoo....!

Yeah, aparently... some stuff going on in her head. Sound familiar? Who knows. Maybe she's lying just to get out of it. Maybe. Or maybe not.... who knows

Another random thought for you.


Woot for staying on past bedtimes!!!! *runs away*

goodnight!

Whoosh

-ring- The sound of an alarm clock waking me up.

-splash- The sound of water hitting my back.

-crunch- The sound of oh so beautiful breakfast....

-roar- The sound of a car engine starting.


.................




-roar- The sound of a plane taking off.

-clank- The sound of a parachute being strapped on.

-yell- The voice of a man telling me to jump.

-whoosh- The sound of freefalling.

-tear- The sound of a parachute falling off my back.

-thud- The sound of a body hitting the earth.

...............





Solve
    Me.

Here we go again....

So. Once again, this blog has been Comprimised. Woo. Hoo.

I will keep this blog up for 1 week, and them I'm changing the name for good, and you wont be getting anymore hints. Seriously. I love you, but if you really want into my mind, just ask me.

So, summing up today.... I woke up at 4am with a horrible calf cramp. That impeded my walking for most of the day... which was wonderful! I then proceeded to take a shower, eat breakfast, get dressed (Definitely in that order. I eat breakfast naked. Infront of my parents....... NOT) and I went to Jazz Band.

School went, always fun there. People to see, places to walk, teachers to ignore, all good stuff. Came home, got a ride from Mark. Love that kid, anyway, came home, proceeded to talk, and then work out a little bit near 4.

The rest of the evening comprised of Dinner, moar talking, moar hint giving (Did I mention that wont happen again?), and blogging. Woohoo, like anybody who reads this really cares. Oh well, your fault, not mine.


So, yeah, as I said, this blog will be up for a few more days, so you can get this final update, and after that.... Hello name change.




Rawr.

After the storm....

So, that last post was pretty intents. For real... but I dont take back a single word I said. Like, for real? yeah. Good stuff

So pretty much, this is just me saying rawr.

So, wait for it....


RAWR!!!!!